We've heard the story a million
times: boy meets girl and then nature takes it course. But what happens when one of them (the boy or
the girl) is Straight and the other (the boy or the girl) is Gay and they still
have an attraction? What if two people of the same gender but of opposite
sexual preferences decide to hook up?
What does it mean? Can people of
differing sexual orientations have meaningful relationships, including
fulfilling sexual experiences, or are the people involved setting themselves up
for eventual disappointment and heart-ache, especially since people of
differing sexual preferences seem to have so much trouble ironing out their
differences no matter how they try?
Western culture tends to confuse
sexual orientation (what gender you like) with sexual identity (what you label
yourself), sexual preferences (what acts you like specifically), and gender
(again labeling yourself despite what genitalia you were originally born with
physically). One of the marvelous
aspects of Dr. Kinsey ground-breaking research on human sexuality is that we
can now understand sexuality on a sliding scale. Extremely rare is the person who is
one-hundred-percent Gay or one-hundred-percent Straight and people can change
where they fall along that scale at different points in their life. Real life
sexuality presents a lot of gray area to figure out and navigate.
The sex drive is powerful and the
society is repressive -- two conflicting and, at many times, opposing forces. It's no wonder generations of people are
confused, self-hating and in denial.
People who have determined they are bisexual may have it the worst of
any of the sexual orientations as almost no one accepts that a person can not
have a favorite and likes both equally.
Even when laws in the past prohibited
people of differing races and religions to inter-marry, there were couples who
have managed happy, healthy relationships. Statistics show the most common
reasons people can't get along in relationships are the conflicts and stresses
inherit of money management, raising children, and sexual compatibility -- and
each of those challenges as contrasted to the given society's expectation of
those issues influenced the results of how that couple handled themselves.
There will be a time when you are
in a situation where you have to decide whether or not to succumb to temptation
of forbidden fruit (so to speak) and here are some things to consider when
making that choice:
1. Sexual Identity Is How You See Yourself. Sexual identity is not what acts you do or
how often you do them but how you truly believe yourself to be. If every Gay
person who has had Straight sex and every Straight person who has had
"Gay" sex disappeared from the planet, there wouldn't be anyone left
except seven ugly five-year-old virgins.
Leave them alone for a few hours and half of them would be gone.
Many Gay men function well within
a marriage to Straight women who are completely satisfied with their marriage
as well. They may love each other, have
a home and children, have "good" sex and still have relationships outside
the primary situation -- and everyone is well-aware of what is happening and is
happy. These married men are
"functioning as though Straight", just as Straight men have
homosexual relationships in prison or are Gay-for-pay porn actors and yet are heterosexual. Sex is not between your legs. It's between your ears. And sexuality is much, much more than just
genital stimulation.
2. All Sex Is About Trust And
Communication And Intimacy. To have
sex with anyone is to take a risk. Asking someone to have sex with you who has:
a) never had sex with someone like you, b) might react (over-react) in a
negative way like laughing in your face, c) or might feel guilty or ashamed
afterward and blame you for their lack of insight, just as it is with any
potential "date", only more so because of the extreme prejudice the
society has taught us against various aspects of sexuality. Yet, no one has a
problem with asking for other basic human needs such as being hungry, thirsty,
sleeping, or going to the bathroom --
but a sexual attraction? Ssshhhh. It's a secret.
Prostitutes report that the
number one thing Johns universally ask for is talking. Of course the men want a sexual release and
that may be because there is a lack of connection to another human being
otherwise for all the reasons mentioned such as repression, rejection, fear,
loathing. People can communicate in a
meridian of ways and nothing says "friends with benefits" like a BJ
from a buddy. Hallmark really should make a card for this occasion.
Younger people have had countless
"mentoring" experiences with someone older such as a teen-aged boy and
the mother of a friend or a younger woman having an affair with a college
professor or a younger person with an older Gay person. Years later, the person can trace their
sexual awakening to the interest of someone who was an adult but who wasn't
their parent.
One interesting aspect of
inter-sexual orientation experimentation is that this kind of sexual dynamic
exaggerates that there can not be any expectations, particularly when the
agenda is spelled out in detail. No one should enter sexual play with anyone without
first clarifying exactly what the rules and responsibilities are. The more
specific the dialogue, the less chance of misinterpreting each other's
motive. Except...whenever people agree
to participate in any activity, there is confusion because each individual
THINKS they know what they are agreeing to and the other person THINKS they
heard what the person said.
3. Working Out Issues.
Perhaps one of the greatest benefits inter-orientation relationships provides
is working out relationship problems on someone who doesn't have the same
agendas as the primary people you are usually attracted to. There's less pressure that the relationship
has to "go somewhere". Asking for what you want and telling someone
no and meaning it is part of having a sex life. Friends are not the same as
lovers and same-sex lovers of differing orientations is not the same as
friends. Having a "fuck buddy"
is in a category all its own -- no matter the orientation or preferences of
participants.
4. Don't Be A Hypocrite. I
have said time without number, "Never ask anyone to do anything you
wouldn't do yourself." Taking a
walk on the wild side may show you exactly
how it is when the shoe is on the other foot.
Fellatio and anal sex are two things that one should experience before
one expects others to do it for them or to them.
No one should take from a sexual
situation without giving something and no one should give something to a sexual
situation without receiving something in return -- whether physically or
emotionally. If the sex is not reciprocal to your satisfaction, don't do it.
5. Enjoy The Moment. Because
the dynamics of inter-orientation sex are different than your usual situation,
you can be free to experiment, try on new roles, learn new things. Wise and
introspective individuals can then take portions of these "out of the
box" experiences into their on-going and future relationships by
understanding we all don't have carbon copy wants and desires and accept that
sexuality, love, affection and acknowledgement is a basic hard-wired human need
light-years broader than just "cleaning the pipes".
The answer to the question,
"Can people of differing sexual orientations have a good relationship on
whatever level they chose?", is yes, but the key is acceptance that each
party involved is giving a gift in the moment (which can sometimes go on for
years) and that each of the parties must understand the limitations of that
relationship without resentment -- which is the corner-stone component to any
healthy individual in any relationship.
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